Ah yes, technology hits another home run. First it was the Gay-dar app, and now it’s your very own insanity reminder. They call it the “Period Tracker“. This is an app that you can download from iTunes and put onto your smart phone. It tracks your periods and lets you know when it’s time to go fuckin nuts, and bitch-out with a fail safe excuse. The description says it’s “SIMPLE and CUTE”. Has that been anyones experience when dealing with a menstruating succubus? Perhaps thats the point of the app; to make bleeding out of your womb for 7 days more fun.
They have features for almost every part of your monthlies ladies. You can track weight loss or gain. Which is really your weight gain, as you cram hunks of beef brisket slathered with apricot jelly and Grey Poupon into your gullets, because you had a craving. You can chart your symptoms such as bloating, cramps, headaches, and tender breasts, etc. All the things you’ll need in court to exonerate yourself from burning your boyfriend to death in your bed cuz he forgot to put the toilet seat down one fateful night. After a couple of months the app begins to predict when your next death-blood cycle begins. This way you’ll know if it will clash with special events, vacations, or the weekend long whoring binge you plan to go on because you need to feel sexy. It even shows you when you are ovulating so you and your loved one can start that family you always wanted . . . Or, you can cross reference your ovulation period with the home game schedule of your local pro basketball team and plan your early retirement with the prick of a condom.
Yes indeed, this is a great program for the modern woman. And I believe the next version will be equipped with a GPS tracker. This way it can not only tell you what state you’re in, but it can tell you the paternity, child support, and capitol crime laws for that state. There will also be an add on feature with the names of local attorneys who specialize in using the menstrual defense. I also hear a new sister app being developed is the menopausal app. This app not only lets you know when the last egg you will ever have, is about to walk the green mile, but a countdown alarm sounds off as well. This alerts all the men in your life to the fact that they have X amount of days (you can set the number) to get some of your ass before you close up shop, and transform into a hot-flashing hell-spawn, sent by the dark father himself. Sounds like something that should be in the Martha Stewart Collection. Although Martha will probably have the correctional facility ankle bracelet version.
I am THE CSS. Those of you who know me know that I am a man who says pretty much what is on his mind. At times I seem to have little regard for the thoughts or feelings of others. I have been labeled a robot, a monster, detached, and other unfavorable things in my short lifetime. Less than a handful however have ever queried as to why that might be. And to be quite fair, I haven’t extended an invitation to my “inner demons”. Well that is about to change. ... Read More..