Calm down everyone, take a deep breath. Everything is OK, I’m still an Aquarius. Well, at least according to one website with the new astrological chart. On another, I missed it by one day. But the thing that they both have in common is that I don’t give a shit about them. People seem to have their crotchless panties in a bunch (at least in NY and L.A., granny panties elsewhere) over this. I’ve seen people on Facebook declaring loud and proud that they are “not changing their signs”. I was kinda bummed out by that. I thought there would be another inane, useless tidbit of their life they would have to waste giga bytes on.

I only find this remotely interesting because space/science stuff appeals to me. Apparently, due to the moons gravitational pull on the earth, the stars have been pushed out of their normal alignment by what is equivalent to a month on the calendar. So if you would like to know where you stand now, you can check it out here. However, other than giving an idiot a reason to not date you, I can’t find a use for it. So you may as well got to plan “B” and scratch your balls (or left tit, for you females) with a fork. The flip side of this of course is now you can’t blame your sign for the reason that you are unlucky in love. It might just be because you’re gross. You can’t blame your bad attitude on the stars anymore. You were just born an asshole. I have a friend who swears to sweet, honey-glazed Jesus that his women is a slob due to her sign. Now you know my friend, that she just belongs in a swamp and not an apartment.
But the best news of all for you ardent followers of the zodiac, is that you have a new lord and master to follow.

Yes peasants, bow down and kneel to the mighty Ophiuchus.  As any naked man with a snake between his legs would have , his nick name is Serpantarius. He’s a military man ladies. You may remember him fighting G.I. Joe as the genetically created leader of COBRA. But he has a soft side too. He loves poems long walks on the beach, and his sign is . . . . . . . WHAT ELSE, OPHIUCHUS!!!
So if your birthday falls between November 29th and December 17th, you are now under the sign of the serpent lord. I’m guessing the Christian community will rebuke this, especially since snakes are not sexy according to biblical lore. Who knows, if we’re lucky they’ll start drowning their own like witches. If they  start with corporation officers, it’s a win win for everybody. Well you people work it out. I’m gonna go get in touch with my astrological side and splash around in the tub.

new horoscope dates

  • Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
  • Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
  • Pisces: March 11 – April 18
  • Aries: April 18 – May 13
  • Taurus: May 13 – June 21
  • Gemini: June 21 – July 20
  • Cancer: July 20 – Aug. 10
  • Leo: Aug. 10 – Sept. 16
  • Virgo: Sept. 16 – Oct. 30
  • Libra: Oct. 30 – Nov. 23
  • Scorpio: Nov. 23 – Nov. 29
  • Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 – Dec. 17
  • Sagittarius: Dec. 17 – Jan. 20
About Thecss:
I am THE CSS. Those of you who know me know that I am a man who says pretty much what is on his mind. At times I seem to have little regard for the thoughts or feelings of others. I have been labeled a robot, a monster, detached, and other unfavorable things in my short lifetime. Less than a handful however have ever queried as to why that might be. And to be quite fair, I haven’t extended an invitation to my “inner demons”. Well that is about to change. ... Read More..

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