Seriously, what is left for them to take away from us? You can’t eat chicken, pork, or beef. You can’t eat bread, pasta, or cheese. You shouldn’t drink alcohol, soda, or even juice. You can’t have sex without protection. You shouldn’t have sex with a lot of people. And forget about sticking live animals in your ass! One of the few human delights we were still allowed to have was oral sex. Blow jobs and carpet munching was still on the menu. WAS!!!!! Now we can’t eat pussy or suck dick anymore. And I’m not talking about just the gay community. I’m talking about the horny human community. Now oral copulation causes CANCER!!! Not herpes, or cold sores, or warts, but cancer. What is this world coming too? I’m buying stock in the Reynolds cooperation because there will be nothing left for us to do except mummify ourselves in plastic wrap. It will be like dying in a giant dental damn. How appropriate.
A new study that is burning up the net has determined that oral sex is causing more mouth cancer than cigarettes. Over that past 30 years there has been more oral cancer linked to oral sex, than has been linked to tobacco. Thats just a damn shame. It is believed that the increase in oral sex related cancer is as much as 225%. Apparently the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) is being spread from the ‘suck-ie’ to the ‘suck-er’. Men, white men, are at the top of the list of victims of this once victim-less crime. But it gets even better. They have also deduced that people who have selflessly and valiantly, performed oral sex on more than six different people have an eight times greater risk of developing oral cancer. SIX PEOPLE??? I would write my will, but I shouldn’t even be alive right now with those odds. Finally, the icing on the cake. The CDC estimates that half of all sexually active Americans will contract HPV in their lifetimes. That’s just ridiculous. The only thing you people can hope for is that this is just another scare tactic by the government. You remember the other scare tactics like bird flu, flesh eating disease, and Ebola don’t you? These bad boys were coming to get you if you didn’t eat your veggies and drink your milk. Some of them were airborne viruses that just disappeared in the wind when it was time to infect the impregnable U.S. population.
I’ve read about 3 or 4 articles on this anti-oral campaign, and I have yet to understand why this wasn’t happening before. I refuse to believe that we’re licking more ‘tip’, and motor-boating more ‘clit’ than we have in the past. We need to bring this medical mystery to “House”. He will find what must be the true correlation between mouth cancer and oral sex. It’s probably something like, women and men don’t want to kiss smokers anymore, so they just tell them to get on their knees and start sucking. Or maybe it’s some type of infection or poisoning from a combination of spermicides, jells, creams, rubber, cotton, Lycra, Naugahyde, and all the other shit we shove into vagina’s and onto penises. All I do know is that we have been sucking each other off since we were in the Garden of Eden. When God was looking for Adam and Eve (which is totally illogical if you think about it, but whatever) in the garden, he was calling out for them. And when he finally found them he was like “Holy shit!”, ” What the fuck man?” That is because he found them in a ’69′. Not exactly what the good lord intended and thats why he was pissed. It wasn’t because they ate from the tree of knowledge. It was because the tree gave them the smarts to use their genitals in a safe, new, non-baby making way that the big guy never thought of. At that point they were smarter than God, and they could still go to the movies when they wanted. It’s the kids I feel sorry for. Little Sally will never know the joy of learning to breath through her nose while opening up her throat. And little Johny will never know the pride that’s felt as a pair of thighs vice grips his head, muffling her screams of joy, right before he plucks his first pubic hair from his teeth. Ahh the good ‘ole’ days.
I am THE CSS. Those of you who know me know that I am a man who says pretty much what is on his mind. At times I seem to have little regard for the thoughts or feelings of others. I have been labeled a robot, a monster, detached, and other unfavorable things in my short lifetime. Less than a handful however have ever queried as to why that might be. And to be quite fair, I haven’t extended an invitation to my “inner demons”. Well that is about to change. ... Read More..